The Insane Waiter

Running wild on customers, chefs, owners and managers since 1997. I bring to you, The Insane Waiter. What do bring to your table? A crisp bottle of San Pellegrino ? Perhaps a lovely seared Sashimi Tuna? Start off with a wonderful bottle from Tuscany perhaps? Why I'll be more than happy to bring you your White Zinfandel and Chicken Caesar. No you can't order the mac and cheese off the kids menu and sorry no, we don't serve cheese sticks....

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Martinis and Bullshit

"Here you go ladies, a Cosmo and Ketel Dirty up," I said as I handed out drinks.

Ketel One lady plucked out her blue cheese olives and slid the drink right back to me.

"Now I'm going to ask you to take this back and this time bring me a full drink." She said.

I guess she didn't understand that if you remove solid mass from liquid the level went down, who am I kidding, the pickled old bitch just wanted another half an ounce of vodka.


"Get my friend another Cosmo, hers isn't full either." She continued.

So my quandary was this, get them their drinks and piss off the bartender, or argue with them and lose my tip. Then they would bitch to a manager who would certainly NOT back me up and probably reward them with free shit and I still wouldn't get a tip.

I chose the former option.

"Hey man, these ladies want their drinks full," I said to Adam, the bartender.

"What the fuck, can't you see I'm busy," He replied.

He was, he had a full wheel of drinks.

"Well they say they want full drinks, I'm not about to argue with them, I'm just the messenger," I said.

"Fuck that, those drinks are just fine, we don't fill them to the rim here," He replied.

So it was passive aggressive time for me. I grabbed a can of cranberry juice and topped of the Cosmo. A squirt of water went into the Ketel One martini.

Adam just gawked at me.

"Screw them, they said they wanted full drinks, they never asked for more liquor," I said.

I dropped off the drinks and naturally one of the old crones said something about us being cheap and what a full martini is.

I hoped they liked their juice boxes, they left a shit tip naturally...

-OG Insane Waiter

23 Comments:

At 2:26 PM , Blogger konichiwa, bitches. said...

she should have asked for it without olives in the foist place, durrrrrrrrrr

 
At 3:33 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would dusted off my jigger and made it table side.

Usually, I'll start with a shot glass and take the original glass and pour it into the shot, letting the leftover pour down the side and on the table...Then I stroll away with a smile on my face.

Chowda.

 
At 1:00 AM , Anonymous Food Service Ninja said...

they got what they deserved

besides if you were wanting a full drink why order the most watered down martini on the planet -a dirty mart is 50% salt water.

did you stir in the added mix with your finger too?

 
At 4:38 AM , Anonymous Ribeye of your Dreams said...

I had a few women who acted like that a few months ago, and when they got smart with me over their "Restaurant that shant be named" specialty martini drinks not being filled to the rim, I told them something along the lines of "Would you rather drink your martini's or be wearing them, ladies? When they're filled to the rim, unlike martini glasses at other restaurants, these spill quite easily, even for those with good balance, which I don't have. Take these or don't, but if you don't, you won't like the next ones."

I've never had good balance with martini's, even the trick of not looking at them never worked...

It's something of a sore subject with me and I'm now going to stop thinking about it.

Glad to see you're still here, Insane!

RagingServer.com
back online!

 
At 4:43 AM , Blogger BizTone said...

Ha ha, I love this post. It's a very relateable one for me. It inspired me to share one of my more recent stories on my blog. I gave you a shout-out for the inspiration. Thanks Insane Waiter!

http://restaurantrage.blogspot.com/2009/02/is-that-one-better.html

 
At 11:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

50% salt water! Holy crap. remind me never to order a dirty martini from your bar. Anything more than a splash and you could kill someone from the sodium.

 
At 2:46 PM , Anonymous EB said...

Love the entry, and love the blog. Trying to get permission to quote from the blog in an article on another site. Anyone know how to send an e-mail to this writer? Send me a note at ebirdie@live.com.

 
At 6:03 PM , Anonymous Food Service Ninja said...

Anon martinis are 4-5 oz glasses with a 2 oz of alcohol pour when you add mixers so do the math---

4-5 oz -2 oz =2-3 oz mix or olive brine

 
At 7:07 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ninja, I too hope to never have a dirty martini at YOUR bar. The fruity, mixer-laden drinks you seem to think are martinis are cocktails served up... they don't really deserve to be called martinis. A true dirty martini is basically all gin (vodka if you must) with a dash (a drop, really) of vermouth and a splash of olive juice. Add olives, and voila.

 
At 11:32 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Food service ninja - go to a different rest if you're getting a 4 oz martini. Ours are 6- 8 oz. and a splash of olive juice is NOT 2 oz. Did you graduate from bartending school?

 
At 3:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll bet you all those ladies were niggers.

 
At 1:19 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll bet food service ninja also treats vermouth as a mixer adding 2-3oz for the martinis. Yikes.

And yes, olive brine is to taste, a splash-- not a 2-3 oz mixer.

 
At 8:44 AM , Blogger Missunderstood said...

OMG Insane!

Great post... I've been sneak reading your posts for the last month or so and I love it.

I can totally understand how blogging about your job must be cathartic. I worked at Starbucks in London, England and boy did I meet some crazy customers there!

The Cocktail Bitches... I can totally relate to how you felt and I am SO VERY GLAD you didn't give in to them.

Keep it up.

 
At 7:32 PM , Anonymous I Can't Find A Job said...

They got what they deserved.

Just goes to show you - always be polite to your waiter/waitress!

 
At 9:38 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's funny. I waited on a guy last night who asked for a Beefeater martini made with "three parts gin, one part dry vermouth and one part sweet vermouth." The bartender looked at me like I was crazy.

 
At 8:08 AM , Blogger Erin said...

"Pickled old bitch."

Classic.

 
At 12:33 PM , Blogger Mike the Waiter said...

the pissers and moaners are ALWAYS the worst tippers. Sophisticated diners don't act that way. I have encountered this problem and also solved it like you did. nice job.
mTw

 
At 3:29 PM , Anonymous IHOP Waiter said...

Please pray for the staff of all IHOPs everywhere as tomorrow is National Pancake Day, i.e. free pancakes for everyone, all day.

 
At 4:22 PM , Anonymous marco said...

Hope you charged them for the extra cranberry juice :)

oh and Ninja is right, geniuses - the alcohol melts the ice, which results in more liquid.

 
At 2:17 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

O/T a funny rant on tipping the bartender..please share

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MFj5X54Ew4

 
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At 7:50 AM , Blogger Stefan said...

AHHH so amazing! Thank you, because i've done around the same thing before. My biggest problem are people that order gin amrtinis, they are always extremely picky, and it normally never tastes right. I hate the ladies that come in with like four friends, all order cosmos and then complain about them before they even take a sip. I definitely feel your pain though. Of course the lefy a horrible tip, that would have been weird if they hadn't.

 
At 7:50 AM , Blogger Stefan said...

AHHH so amazing! Thank you, because i've done around the same thing before. My biggest problem are people that order gin amrtinis, they are always extremely picky, and it normally never tastes right. I hate the ladies that come in with like four friends, all order cosmos and then complain about them before they even take a sip. I definitely feel your pain though. Of course the lefy a horrible tip, that would have been weird if they hadn't.

 

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